Lets talk about the D word....

D-I-V-O-R-C-E 

My divorce couldn't have come at a better time, the freaking holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas since working in retail sucks the joy out of my holiday spirit. But it still hurts because I'm apart from family and social media decided to mock me with everyone's sappy holiday posts. Anyway, on Dec 26th I received a letter from the courthouse and immediately my heart started racing where I had to sit and take a deep breath. As I began to tear the envelope I knew what it was, my divorce decree was finalized. Even though I've been separated from him on and off for half of 2017, it felt like a death. It was gut wrenching and I wanted to kick him in the nuts Chun-Li style.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

I'm going to be straight up with you guys, my marriage was toxic. I was unprepared for marriage and I carried a lot wounds from my past. To top it off, I have generalized anxiety disorder and PMDD which means my PMS transforms me into an emotional monster every month. I was explosive and I was battling this cycle that I felt I couldn’t control.  Even  though I tried to heal from my insecurities and found ways to control my anger, it wasn't enough for him.  My guilt was heavy, my shame became my identity, and my anxiety took over. But let me clarify something, he's imperfect, he hurt me, but my goal here is not to accuse him. I was either going to explode with analyzing his actions or focus on my well being.  I chose my well being.

One night I was having severe anxiety and uncontrollable crying spells and God offered me a choice. I heard him say, "Tanya are you going to continue to live in darkness or do you want what I have for you?  Because you have no idea what I'm about to do." At that moment I wiped my tears and passed out. I woke up with a sudden urge to say out loud, "I'm so over this and I'm ready to change." With God, therapy, and my support group, I've been able to walk through this divorce and find hope again. Therapy is an amazing  tool to utilize and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's helped me tremendously with my anxiety, wounds, and I highly recommend it. But my relationship with God is number one, he commands it. It doesn't matter how you pursue God as long as you are diligent he will make himself known. I still have bad days since rejection tries to tell me I'm not worthy, that nobody wants damaged goods, and I'll always be alone. Though his love shuts those thoughts I understand it's a journey and I'm embracing it.

I had to let go of my pride and look inward at my faults, my brokenness, and face my biggest fears. It's not easy, but it must be done in order to grow. This process revealed that the more I became vulnerable to God, then I was able to see myself through his eyes. I'm a daughter of the most high, I'm prized, and my strength comes from him. His constant grace overflowed my spirit and that's when my healing began. I started to grasp the reason behind Jesus's death in my life and I will never take that for granted again. Why would I choose to live in misery when I can pursue something amazing?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

As much as I love Boise, my time is up. I'm moving back to L.A and restarting my dreams. My dreams of acting, make-up artistry, serving my community, traveling, and just pursuing whatever God has for me. I want to share my journey with you in hopes that it can remedy any sort of pain. I want to be open about my life and live fearlessly. Thank you for reading this and I hope you stick around.

For your beauty sleep.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:19

P.S.

 I'm really a nice person and even though I have my moments, I can be really cool. Ok, peace out!!!