Lorea'l chose the perfect tag line for their ad campaigns,making women believe that they have a necessity to buy their products in order for them to reach beauty,acceptance, and of course worthiness. Nice work Lorea'l, seriously. -_- But this got me thinking about this sad truth; many women including myself don't acknowledge their worthiness, and so we go and search for it in many forms.
Ever since I can remember, I've always tried to win my worthiness. My mentality as a child through my adult life was that If I can be perfect in every aspect of my life, then I have worth as a woman, that I Tanya am worth it. I do this through my physical beauty, my work, friendships, and my chosen personality to society. This was aiding my mind yet I was lying to myself of how I truly felt inside. I feel devoid, impure, I thought my personality sucked, and then the one that hurts the most is unworthy of a man to love me.
Q:Why do I feel this??!!!
A:Well my childhood sucked, most of the time. Typical story of her Dad leaving with another women. I'm sure you get the picture.
There's a reason why I started this blog and then I didn't continue until now. It's not that I forgot it's just life got in the way, I made a huge mistake which I'm dealing with the consequences now, and I'm battling this foe that is ugly,manipulating, and evil. I've been in a constant mind game with him. He is conspicious with his conniving plans to push me down into a world that I don't belong to. His spells are strong and when I've fallen into them, I feel like a failure. He won. But when I've failed I don't fall into a pit and lose, my superhero comes to the rescue.
God with his everlasting love for us and for me. My relationship with God is increasinly growing as I fight these battles with him by my side. I know God doesn't want to see my cry but because of free will I do. So I go through this cycle of cry,repent,fail. It's exhausting for my mind and spirit and I didn't comprehend why my cycle didn't stop. At one point, I thought that my life will always be like this. But that's not what God wants. I was so oblivious but God wiped my eyes and he simply said, "I love you for you." God doesn't love me for my efforts or because I accepted Jesus as my savior, he loved me way before that. He loved me in my mother's womb and longed for me ever since. God is a romancer, a hero, a protector, a father.
It is a simple but potent truth that carries the power to break chains, lies, and my mentality that I'm unworthy. I've been reading this book on and off titled "Sacred Romance" by John Eldrige and Brent Curtis, and today it hit my hard as if Cupid shot me with his arrow of love. I would quote parts of this book but I rather you read it and find it on your own. :P But what I can explain is that God's love is for everyone and I'm learning that his love fills me up with a peace and joy that nothing in this world can replace it with.
So I'm sharing this with you because I hope that if you feel a sense of unworthiness, you don't have to.Once we embrace God's true love for us then nothing can hold us back. I pray that God's loving heart heals your wounds and refreshes you with a brighter sense of how special you are to him.
"We love Him because He first loved us" 1John 4:19
P.S. For your beauty sleep: "I love the Lord, because He has heard My voice and my supplications." Psalm 116:1
Do yourself a favor and talk to God before you sleep, he truly wants to hear us and he always answers.