Hot Mess

Hey guys. I didn't give up on this blogging thing it's just I've been kind of busy with being a hot mess.

So I've been in LA for three months and well it's been a rollercoaster of haunting emotions and huge setbacks. At the same time, I'm coming out of my shell and I feel like my old self again. The woman who is awkwardly weird in her conversations, who's a kid at heart, but wants to love people fiercely and dream big is coming back and I'm embracing it. But let's talk about this rollercoaster I'm in, let's title it: Divorce Terror of Doom.

I had this idea that once I was back in my hometown things would get better. I mean, I love being around my family and friends but there's this uncertainty of loneliness that is buried deep in my heart. This is  not an advice blog on how to deal with heartbreak, it's me sharing my story because people need the  truth and that's the best way I can help. Also, I want you guys to know that this so called Christian journey is not a boring routine of smiles, posting instagram verses, and well acting like it's a perfect life. Truth is, there's hidden sin, hidden emotions, and dark mental and physical pain that I'm talking about using my life experiences. I want to reach out  to the hearts that feel like they don't deserve an open hand of friendship. We all deserve love.

Anyways back to the point. I’ve been told by three different therapists that I have a huge rejection issue and combined that with my anxiety disorder, well I’m basically screwed in relationships. Of course I can come out of this with the help of therapy and Jesus, but easier said than done. These past three months I realized how rejected I’ve been feeling hence why I’m a hot mess. I’ve been using Instagram to fill a void, using men to get some sort of gratification,  and well going out because I want to have fun.  The truth is when you’re served divorce papers  by your future ex-mother in law at a Corner Bakery and crying cause your in pain, it’s like salt to my rejection wounds.

CONFESSION TIME

Soooo I've made some bad  decisions recently and I blame it well on myself. Did you think I was going to act like the victim? No, no, no. I've let my vulnerability consume me when all I needed to do is focus on one thing: Jesus.

But like I said before easier said than done. I don't want to be alone, I want someone to love me and all that comes with that. But I keep on falling for fake love and I end up getting hurt. At the end of the day I have to ask this question, " Why can't I be alone and be satisfied with your love God?" I know we're created to love and crave companionship but when I meet my future stud muffin, I want to look at him and automatically know it's the real deal. So will I make mistakes? Who knows? But my eyes are focused on Jesus and that's the best thing I can do right now. He will handle the rest.

I'm going to keep on working on my bad self, hope to find a home church, continue to act, try to make good decisions, and laugh through it all.

Love you guys.

P.S. For your beauty sleep,

Ecclesiastes 2:3
 I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives.


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